Never Is A Very Long time
by JessaLucas
Summary: Songfic. Just a look at what might have happened after the Never in Paraguay. This is not a HarmMac fic but is from Mac's point of view.


Never Is A Very Long Time.

AN: The song used here is by Anastacia. It is called "How Come the World Won't Stop Spinning". This takes place in the time after Paraguay. It is NOT a Harm/Mac story, so if that is what you are expecting, stop reading now.

_Somebody told me  
you were not coming home  
the words are spinnin' in time  
and the air suddenly went cold_

I left him at the taxi stand in Paragauy. How could I have known, I'd never see him again? I wish I could have seen the future. I would never have said, "never". I did not know that one little word could do so much damage. I figured when we both got back to the U.S. and things had settled down, emotions had calmed, concussions had healed, we would talk, and I would take back my "never". But I never got the chance.

_The sun is still shining  
but everything feels like rain, oh  
and if I had one wish  
it would be to see you again_

Fifty years have passed since I found out he was gone. I had gone back to Jag, surprised that he never came in to see the Admiral about returning. I figured he was too proud to ask the Admiral for his job back. I figured he needed some space. I called his loft 17 times, but he never answered. I decided enough was enough and I would go talk some sense into him.

_Nothing's fair  
when we loose  
without a moment to say goodbye_

When the stranger opened Harm's door, my heart fell. When I discovered it was no longer Harm's door, my heart ached. When I learned he had moved away and left no forwarding address, my heart broke.

_How come the world won't stop spinning  
now that you're gone (now that you're gone)  
I know every end has beginnings  
but this one's all wrong (this one's all wrong)  
so wrong, so wrong_

I tried to go on with my life, but there was always a hole where my heart used to be. I knew I only had myself to blame. With Harm gone from Jag, things fell apart. He had been our strength, our glue. He had held us all together. Without him, we were lost. The Admiral was forced to resign due to the massive number of mistakes that happened in the months following Harm's departure. He never admitted he was wrong to let Harm resign, but we all knew he was – and he knew it too.

_Caught in the middle  
wrong place, wrong time  
and I'm hopelessly missing you  
and I can't stop deny_

_Nothing's fair anymore  
and I know there's a better place  
and I'll never stop dreaming of you  
ooooh_

I left Jag shortly after the Admiral did. I tried several things and finally ended up doing research for a small pro bono law firm. I had a tiny office in the basement and was left alone each day to do my work, and shed my tears. I never found love again.

About 7 years after he left, I came across an article profiling a former Naval Commander who had just won a big products liability case against a foreign manufacturer of children's toys. I skimmed through the pages and there he was. It was a picture of him, with his signature smile, holding a little boy with the same smile, and standing next to a very beautiful, obviously pregnant woman. He had met her while visiting his Mother and Stepfather in California. They had been married for 5 years and were living in San Diego.

_Sweet tears are shed  
this pain we lay to rest  
it's hard lettin' go  
but I keep movin' on  
in a place I don't belong_

I knew it was stupid, but I had to go see for myself. The taxi slowed in front of his house. It was a large home complete with huge front porch, love seat and picket fence. A couple sat on the love seat, snuggling closely and watching as a little boy chased a dog around the front yard. It was perfect. It could have been mine, but I said "never".

It had been the last time I saw him. I didn't think I could cry anymore, having shed so many tears over the years, but once again, in the darkness of my bedroom that night, I cried. Bud and Harriet had moved to San Diego, and every once in a while, when I would be brave enough to ask, they would tell me how he and his wife and three kids were getting along. The news was always happy. For him. His son got into the Naval Academy. His daughter graduated from Stanford and became a forensic pathologist. His youngest son was a commercial pilot. Bud and Harriet were the godparents for Harm's children. It was perfect. It could have been mine. But I said never.

Now, I lay in my hospital bed on the last night of my life. I am alone, because I said never.

_How come the world (stop spinning)  
said now that you're gone  
I know every end has beginning  
said this one's all wrong  
said this one's all wrong  
(how can the seasons) keep changing  
since you disappeared  
oh, you're gone  
you're gone_

The end.


End file.
